Fortunate.
I’ve been experiencing a lot of ups and downs recently. I think a part of me expects a version of perfection (from myself and others) that’s just not possible given the hand I’ve been dealt in this game of life. I’ve spent a lot of time dwelling on the “why me’s” and the “not fairs”, and haven’t taken a chance to really acknowledge just how lucky I am.
If you had told me a year ago where I would be, I would have laughed in your face. And not because where I am now is a ridiculous, hilarious turn of events, but because I just didn’t think it would be possible. A year ago I was experiencing the depression that accompanies a confusing trauma. I couldn’t decide if I hated myself or merely hated what had happened to me, therefore I projected those feelings onto those around me. I was so stuck in the hopeless miseries of the past, I honestly didn’t give much thought to my future.
But now I am living the most fortunate of futures. I go to a wonderful college, my first choice in fact, with spectacular human beings. I can reinvent myself here. No one knows me by my faults or depression or scars.
I am not my damage. In fact, don’t even call it damage anymore because I am not broken. Someone, somewhere, at some point tried to shatter me, but I am not a victim. I am so extremely lucky. I have a family that I adore, who love me so much. They are not perfect, and neither am I, and yet they are the most impressive people in my life. I have friends who are beautiful, hilarious, righteous individuals. I’ve gained a greater appreciation for the value of friends, old and new. One group was present when I was falling apart and the other has been with me while I put myself back together.
You guys, I am alive. I am breathing. I am relatively healthy. I am typing this on a computer while sitting in a university dorm room. Today I got to go to get a first class education and talk to my mom via modern technology. I am a part of a country where I get to exercise free speech and take advantage of my religious freedom. I can laugh at hard times and smile in the face of adversity.
Blessed. That is what I am. I have been dealt a bad hand, but I am somehow winning. I’ve wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself, it’s time I celebrate me.
walking out of your last final like
